


I'm A Malfoy, Get Me Out Of Here!

by Drarrymadhatter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26292085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drarrymadhatter/pseuds/Drarrymadhatter
Summary: Draco and Harry are in an established relationship, and while Draco no longer things purebloods are supreme, he does think that wizards are slightly better than muggles. Not in a prejudice way, just in a 'we have magic and they don't' way. Harry challenges him to go camping the muggle way to prove that he can do what muggles can, and of course Draco cheats.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Kudos: 22





	I'm A Malfoy, Get Me Out Of Here!

I'm A Malfoy! Get Me Out Of Here!

*** Present Day ***

Beads of sweat rolled down Draco's forehead and into his eyes as he swatted his hands dramatically around his head. A forest, he thought searingly, they would be camping in a bloody forest. What was wrong with a field? Plenty of Muggles camped in fields. But no, no, Potter needs to make them trek for hours in the middle of summer through the most infuriating forest ever, the residents of which hadn't stopped biting and buzzing around him for a second. He looked up to see if they were any closer to evening and then hopefully the blighters would bugger off and bite someone else, but it was hard to look through the dense canopy to the sky thanks to the blinding glare of the sun. Merlin, was nothing going to go right for him?

"Draco, will you just stop. There's nothing there."

"There. Bloody. Is!" Draco grunted, punctuating each word with a particularly vicious swipe of his arms at his insectile attackers.

"Did you use the insect repellent I gave you?"

"Not a chance was I using that repugnant spray, Potter. It was worse than Madame Pince's century old perfume."

"Come on over here then. I'll light a fire and the smoke should keep any _insects_ at bay." Draco found himself glaring at Harry as he made air quotes when he said insects. It was alright for _him_ , thought Draco angrily, there were no vampiric bugs guzzling away at _his_ blood, were there? He trudged reluctantly over to where Harry had dropped his baggage, slid his backpack from his aching shoulders and sat on a moss-covered log, not caring that it made his butt feel cold and damp.

"It'll just take me a min or two to grab the stones for the pit and then you'll be bug free and nice and warm." Draco could tell that Harry was trying to sound nice and supportive, but really he was coming off as a condescending arse. Grunting a response, Draco hefted himself off of the log and began to circle the clearing looking for stones in a bid to help speed things along — as much as Malfoy's didn't usually indulge in such menial tasks, they were also not ones to delay their own comfort and two pairs of hands were better than one.

"You need to make sure they're larger than that and smoother, Draco. If they're too small they won't do the job properly." Draco nodded to show he had heard Harry and resisted the urge to throw his too small and jaggy stones at his stupid scarred head. As he began his second loop of the clearing, he couldn't help but wonder just how he had managed to end up in this mess.

*** 5 Days Prior ***

"I'm not having this discussion again, Potter." Draco's clipped tones echoed his annoyance around the room as he stepped out of the Floo. Wondering mulishly why Harry always seemed to pick when they were exhausted to start an argument, he unclasped his travelling cloak and carefully hung it on a peg by the Floo.

"Then stop being a prat about it!" demanded Harry hotly, as he dusted soot from his clothes.

"I'm hardly being a prat, as you so articulately put it. I'm simply embracing my culture."

"Embracing being an elitist pureblooded prat, more like." mumbed Harry mutinously, causing Draco to turn towards him angrily.

"Hey, now that's a bit harsh. I'm not saying muggles are crap or anything, just that wizards are better."

"Draco—"

"Well they are!" demanded Draco. "It's a simple fact. We have magic. They don't. It's like—" Draco's voice trailed off as he searched for an adequate example "—snails!"

"Snails?" parroted Harry mockingly. "Muggles are like snails?"

"No," huffed Draco in annoyance, "Wizards are like snails. Muggles are like slugs. Snails are better because they've evolved. They have the shell and whatnot. Slugs are just fine when you think about it, but not as good as the snail. It's the same thing. Muggles are all well and good and all, but not as good as Wizards, and that's just fact. Not elitist or whatever, just the way it is."

"So it's the fact that we have magic that makes us better, is that it?" asked Harry more softly, taking a few steps towards his partner.

"Not entirely." Draco felt himself frown in an effort to explain what he meant. This was the trouble when people grew up outside of Wizarding culture. They just didn't get some stuff. "Magic is a huge part of it but we're just different. More evolved, aren't we? We can respond to things better, are more sensitive to stuff. The entire Wizarding culture is so much more than just mere magic, Potter."

"Right. So, prove it." grinned Harry, a suspicious glint in his eyes as he stepped closer still to Draco.

"What—how?" Draco knotted his eyebrows in bafflement, how could he possibly prove something like that?

"Do something that muggles can do without magic. Go camping with me for the weekend without your wand or any potions or anything Wizarding. Prove that Wizards are better."

Draco tried to think fast, ignoring how close Harry had gotten to him during their spat. Camping wasn't something he had ever done before, but if a Muggle could do it then why not? Besides, a couple of days alone without interruptions sounded just perfect, actually.

"Fine, Potter." agreed Draco as he slid his arms around Harry's neck suggestively. "Now are we done? Because I have some other matters that need attending."

"Is that so?" smirked Harry, as he leaned down to catch Draco's full lips with his own.

*** Present Day ***

Draco jumped at a sudden tap on his arm, and turned to see Harry passing him a battered tin mug the size of a small jug filled with something hot and sweet smelling.

"It's just hot chocolate, although probably not the way you usually know it." Harry informed him, smiling.

He nodded and wrapped both his hands around the mug in an attempt to leach some of the warmth into his icy body, his fingers only just managing to touch if he stretched them. How did it manage to get so cold? Only a couple of hours ago he was dripping in sweat and now certain he would turn into a human icicle before the night was over.

"Where did you get the mugs? They're huge."

"Hagrid. Got the whole lot from him actually. He camps quite often and he was only too happy to loan me it when I explained our deal."

"I'm sure he was," replied Draco, taking a scalding sip of his hot chocolate, hoping it would wash out some of the taste of the questionable dinner of baked beans and burnt toast.

After a few long moments of sipping their drinks and staring into the fire, Harry put down his mug and began rustling around in his backpack.

"It'll be dark in less than an hour, we'd better get this tent up. I would have done it when we arrived but you looked ready to keel over!"

"Don't exaggerate."

"I can manage it myself if you need to rest a bit more." Draco looked at Harry to see if he was making fun of him, but the expression he found there was earnest and slightly pitying. Well, that just wouldn't do, now would it? No one pities a Malfoy.

"Shut it Potter and hand it over. If you can do it then so can I." He set his cup down and stood up, rubbing his hands together to get some function back into them. "Come on, out of my way. Malfoy's need room to work!"

About half an hour later Draco was sitting grumpily on a large boulder as Harry efficiently erected the tent by himself. After nearly twenty-five minutes of watching Draco become tangled in ground sheets and ropes, hitting his fingers with the mallet instead of the ground pegs, and at one point becoming lost inside the half (and wonkily) erected tent, Harry swiftly intervened. Having directed Draco to "sit down before you do yourself a serious injury," Harry began fixing all the mistakes Draco had made. He was half tempted to demand that Harry had set him up. The fact that the tent had come up trumps against him really bothered him. Surely Muggles couldn't operate such a ridiculous contraption without prior training either.

"Hey, all done." called Harry jovially. "You want to bring your backpack inside and get settled?"

Civil words and grateful speech still escaping him, Draco silently grabbed his backpack and sloped his way into the tent, carefully ignoring the knowing grin on Harry's face.

"I've set it up so mats are at the back, so there's enough space to just sit or whatever if we want to."

"And the mats are for?" enquired Draco, one eyebrow raised.

"Sleeping on."

"Now, wait a—" began Draco, his face visibly paling at the prospect.

"That's what Muggles sleep on when they camp." explained Harry patiently. "We both get a sleeping bag and a mat. I've put them together so we can be warmer and a little comfier."

"Fine. Whatever. If Muggles can do it then so can I." Draco demanded, bracingly.

"So, that's it just turning eight." said Harry as he consulted his wristwatch. "It's probably best if we have some tea and then head to bed soon. We've got an early start tomorrow."

"Fine. Just point me towards the bathroom and I'll—" Draco trailed off at the sight of Harry's slightly sheepish wince, knowing that such an expression could not possibly bode well. "—what? Why are you giving me that infuriating look, Potter?"

"There isn't a bathroom. This is a Muggle tent, not a Wizarding one."

"So where am I supposed to…?

"You know, out there." replied Harry, gesturing towards the general outdoors. "It's not that bad, really. Draco?"

"You're just winding me up now. I looked it up! Campsites have facilities!"

"We're not at an official campsite, Draco. I thought you would want the traditional camping experience."

"Sweet Merlin, you're not joking with me, are you?"

"Draco—"

"Shut it Potter and give me my space." growled Draco, resolutely glaring straight ahead as Harry turned and practically ran out of the tent.

Bloody typical Harry, thought Draco, as his foot connected with his backpack, sending some of the contents sprawling onto the tent floor. He closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe through his fury until some semblance of calm had settled upon him. After a moment or two, he opened his eyes and felt himself smirk for the first time since this whole camping nightmare began. If Harry wanted to play dirty, then Draco was more than game for him. He grabbed his pyjamas and walked out of the tent with a large smile on his face, much to Harry's surprise.

"I'm just going to get sorted over there, if that's ok with you?" informed Draco, indicating towards a rather sizable thicket of trees and shrubs. Then, without waiting for an answer, he stalked off towards the foliage, ignoring Harry's incredulous babbling as he went.

Once he was sure he was properly hidden by the leaves, he quietly but firmly whispered, "Mipsy." Almost at once, a gentle looking female house elf appeared in front of him, her tea-towel dress bearing the Malfoy crest.

"Master Draco is needing Mipsy, Sir?"

"Quiet, Mipsy, I need you to whisper." admonished Draco carefully. "I need you to come when I call as quietly as you can and don't let Harry know you're here. Can you do that?"

"Yes, Master Draco. Mipsy is happy to obey."

"Ok, could you cast a cleaning charm on me and fetch me my winter pyjamas? Oh, and also cast a strong insect repellent charm and a warming charm on my hands and feet?"

"Of course, Master Draco," squeaked Mipsy, before vanishing with an almost silent crack and reappearing a minute later with a freshly laundered fleecy set of pyjamas. Within seconds, Draco was clean and dressed for bed.

"Thanks Mipsy! You're a lifesaver!" Draco smiled warmly at the house elf as she bowed low and vanished once again. He straightened up and gathered his discarded clothes into a bundle and shuffled back towards the campfire.

"Are you whistling?" asked Harry incredulously. Draco merely smiled at him and, with a carefree shrug, vanished into the opening of the tent.

*** Two Days Later ***

Harry and Draco practically bounded through the front door to their flat and dropped their backpacks in relief.

"Home!" cried Draco blissfully. "I swear to Circe that I will never take hot water for granted again!"

"Here! Here!" concurred Harry, as he pulled his walking boots off and began to wiggle his aching toes.

"So, Potter, I do believe you have something to say to me." drawled Draco smugly as he sat on the sofa and sank into the soft cushions.

"Fine, fine." smiled Harry indulgently, crossing over to sit next to Draco. "I have to admit, I never thought you would have managed it! But after the first day you just seemed to relax into it. Who would have thought? Draco Malfoy is the new Bear Grylls!"

"Who?"

"A Muggle survivalist." He reached forwards and began to knead Draco's shoulder muscles, which was a bit difficult given the awkward position they were in.

"Hardly." laughed Draco in false modesty, turning his back fully to Harry so he could massage better. "I just did what I had to do."

"Well, now that you've won our little wager, just what is it that you want?" Draco shivered as Harry's words tickled his ear and suddenly he knew just what he wanted for his reward.

"Firstly, I think a proper massage is in order." He wasn't surprised to hear his voice come out in a needy groan as Harry worked at the knots in his muscles.

"I'd say you've earned it," laughed Harry, pressing a soft kiss to Draco's temple, before pushing up off the sofa. "I'll just go get some towels and that oil Luna sent us and I'll be right back."

Draco watched him go with an air of self satisfaction. Merlin, he loved to win. Just as he was pondering his imminent reward, an almost inaudible crack signaled the arrival of Mispy.

"Master Draco Sir, Mipsy is coming to take off the charms, sir. Wizards is not taking away house elf charms. It isn't working, sir."

Draco nodded his consent and relaxed as Mipsy's magic tingled around him as she removed her spellwork.

"Does Master Draco be needing anything else, Sir?"

"No, thanks Mipsy. You saved my life this weekend." replied Draco solemnly, smiling slightly as she vanished back to the Manor. He quickly peeled off his jumper and t-shirt until he was topless, and then leaned back into the sofa cushions once more and waited for Harry to come back.

A few moments later, Harry came into the room laden with towels and oil.

"Ah, you're all ready for me I see." He unfolded a towel and laid it on top of the rug in the centre of the room. "Lie down then, let's get this reward started."

Not needing to be told twice, Draco scrambled off the couch and onto the floor with as much grace as he could manage and relaxed onto his stomach. Moments later, Harry was rubbing warm fragrant oil onto his back with firm upward strokes and Draco felt like he was in heaven.

"Is the pressure alright?" asked Harry softly.

"Perfect," groaned Draco, as Harry pressed the heel of his hand over a particularly tense knot in his shoulder.

"Since I have you at my mercy, there's something I want to talk to you about." Harry's voice was still gentle and Draco was far too relaxed to pick up the slightest hint of tension in his words.

"As lovely as this flat is, there is one drawback to the layout. Can you remember what it is?" Harry paused to add more oil to his hands before resuming his attention on Draco's muscles.

"Mmhmmm," moaned Draco. Honestly, whatever Harry was on about could wait until later.

"The open plan layout let's sound travel, remember?" At Harry's words, Draco's previously relaxed muscles tensed up and he pushed himself up to a sitting position, coming face to face with a very annoyed looking Harry. If there was one thing Draco had learned in his time living with Harry, it was to not make any sudden movements when Harry was pissed. Sure enough, after holding eye contact for a long moment, Harry's frustration burst forth from him.

"Draco Lucius Malfoy!" Draco winced at hearing Harry full name him. Harry only ever did that when he thought you'd crossed some kind of moral line. "You promised! You said you wouldn't use magic!"

"What? I didn't break the deal." Harry's face looked half furious, half incredulous and he hurried to explain before Harry went full radio rental on him. "You said nothing Wizarding and I used House Elf magic. In fact, I didn't use anything. Mipsy did. So it was all within the rules."

"No, the rules were to go camping the Muggle way." argued Harry, his voice like thunder. "How many Muggles do you know go camping with a house elf?"

"It's not my fault Muggles don't have house elves!"

"You cheated!" demanded Harry sullenly.

"I'm a Slytherin!" countered Draco.

"Oh don't give me that! You cheated and I won. You _can't_ do what Muggles can just because you're a Wizard. Admit it." Harry crossed his arms and Draco knew that he would have to concede defeat or get comfy on the sofa.

"Fine. You're right. Camping is insane and Muggles need a mental health reality check."

"Now, since you cheated, I should get more of a reward than just merely winning would get me." The smile beginning to grow across Harry's features let Draco know that he was forgiven, or at least on his way to being forgiven.

"What, pray tell, would you like, Mr Chosen One?"

"I think we'll start with a massage, and then we'll see what mood I'm in."

Draco couldn't help but grin as Harry whipped his top off and lay himself down onto the towel. It was funny how losing somehow still felt a lot like winning to him.


End file.
